Deep down, I truly and solemnly want to believe in the goodness of souls.
Deep down, I genuinely want to know that somewhere out there she exists.
That somewhere out there, that one person who understands me, exists.
I want to believe in it so bad, that I am willing to be as delusional as it takes.
I am willing to believe in an illusion.
Deep down, I dream of places and people.
Places of belongingness and people of virtue.
Deep down, I can lie to myself as much as I like,
Because I am allowed to place my own universal rules.
I have given my-own-self the opportunity to be happy,
Because no one else will.
I am grateful for the lies
I am at peace with myself, deep down.
Sometimes, it becomes a habit. Your mere smiles become a habit. Your laughters become a habit. Everything you do is just so habitual, you no longer want to believe surprises exist. Sometimes, your living conscious is only aware out of habit.
We were born to witness dawns and sunsets. Also born to associate each one of them with a certain habit. The former, rising to start a new day, and the latter, wrapping up the day. It wasn’t our choice. We didn’t put any thought into it, we just easily got accustomed to the habit.
Then there comes a point in your life where you come across a rather spontaneous person. A person who laughs at funerals, a person who cries at happy moments. A person who is so out of the ordinary, you think might not even be half as human as you are. At that very point, you start to realise that you can be the master of your own fate. That you don’t have to think, talk, look, and act like everybody else. That your dawn is your bed time, and your sunset is your very start of a new day. You come to realise that even though our features are similar, our fine differences alter our very own selves.
So, thank you. I want to thank the spontaneous, and the habitual. For you have sailed me to my choices. I haven’t learnt from any of you; I have only lived through you. And my very own mistakes are what taught me that I don’t want to be like any of you. I want to be me. I want to have something no one else had. So I will pursue, for once in my life. I will pursue my own life.. my own way.